There is a Better Way to Say Difficult Things Constructively
And it can help in avoiding conflicts and building better relationships
This article was born from a LinkedIn Post I’ve written recently and which got a lot of attention.
In it, I was mentioning one of the techniques I found very useful in communication, especially when our message is difficult to give (e.g. we want someone to change a behaviour, give “negative” feedback, etc.)
This framework was developed by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD. and it’s called “Non-Violent Communication”.
How does this look like for us, in our day-to-day life?
We should structure our speech on 4 pillars, as follows:
1st. Observations: I clearly express what I observe that does not contribute to my well-being — “When I see/hear…”
2nd. Feelings: I express my feelings in relation to what I observe — “I feel…” (feelings are our own subjective experience and my interlocutor cannot really say anything about them… I feel how I feel…)
3rd. Needs: I clearly express what I need or I value that causes my feelings — “… because I need/value…”.
4th. Request: the concrete actions I would like taken — “Would you be willing to…?”
Let me translate all this into a short example of how non-violent communication would sound in real life.
Real-life example:
Observation: When I see that you haven’t done what we discussed in our last meeting,…
Feelings: I feel sad and disappointed.
Needs: For me, it’s important that we all make a team effort to reach our objectives.
Request: Would you be willing to let me know in advance if there are things that are blocking your advance with the tasks you have, so we can deal with them together.
You can, of course, apply this for your personal relationships and for parenting too… Sky is the limit!
I hope you’ll find this framework useful!
Thank you for reading,
Magda.
PS: A big reason I write is to meet people so feel free to say Hi on Linkedin here as I’d love to learn more about you.
